What is Phubbing, and How to Deal With It In a Relationship

You’re in the middle of sharing a story about your day. It’s a moment of vulnerability, and you look up expecting to see your partner’s eyes. Instead, you see the top of their head. The soft glow of a screen lights up their face, and your words hang in the air, unnoticed. This moment has a name: Phubbing, a mash-up of “phone” and “snubbing.”

It happens to friends, families, and couples everywhere. While it might seem harmless, constantly choosing the screen over the person in front of you can damage trust and intimacy. 

The term phubbing first appeared in 2012 as smartphones became more central to daily life. While checking a notification might feel automatic to the person doing it, it signals to the person being phubbed that the digital world is more interesting or important than the physical connection happening in the moment.

Research consistently shows that this behavior creates distance. A 2025 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that “partner phubbing” (often called PPhubbing—yes, really) significantly lowers relationship satisfaction and emotional closeness. It feels especially rude because it’s a form of social exclusion coming directly from your person.

How phubbing affects relationships

Relationship experts often cite the work of Dr. John Gottman, a pioneer in relationship psychology, who coined the term "bids for connection." A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or extended conversation. It can be as simple as saying, "Wow, look at that bird," or as deep as, "I had a tough meeting today."

Phubbing is a chronic form of "turning away" from these bids.

How phubbing alters the relationship dynamic:

• The demand-withdraw pattern: One partner seeks attention (demand), and the other retreats into their phone (withdraw). This creates a cycle where the partner seeking connection becomes increasingly frustrated or critical, while the phubber feels nagged and retreats further into the screen.
• Erosion of trust: Trust builds in small moments of attunement. When phubbing becomes the norm, the partner being phubbed begins to internalize the message: "I am not a priority." Over time, this can erode the relationship's secure base.
• Loss of intimacy: Intimacy requires presence. You can’t build deep emotional safety if one person is mentally absent. The "digital wall" prevents the sharing of micro-expressions and non-verbal cues that are essential for empathy.

Attachment styles and phubbing

Our attachment style—how we bond with others—plays a significant role in how we perceive and react to phubbing. A 2025 study published in the Journal of Personality examined how different personality types cope with this modern rejection.

Researchers found that individuals with an anxious attachment style (those who often fear abandonment) are hit hardest. On days when they perceived their partner was phubbing them, they reported significantly higher depressed moods and lower self-esteem.

The study also revealed that phubbing triggers a "tit-for-tat" response, with anxious individuals often "retaliating" by turning to their own phones. This isn't necessarily out of spite—the reverse phub is usually initiated to seek support from others or to signal their own unavailability. This creates a destructive feedback loop in which both partners retreat to their screens, widening the emotional gap.

Phubbing and mental health

The pain of being phubbed goes deeper than annoyance. It triggers a psychological response similar to being ostracized. When a partner turns away to look at a screen, it threatens fundamental human needs for belonging and self-esteem.

James Roberts and Meredith David, key researchers from Baylor University who have extensively studied this phenomenon, note the irony of modern technology. They famously stated that cell phones, "originally designed as a communication tool, may actually hinder rather than foster interpersonal connectedness."

Their research, along with recent data from 2024 and 2025, highlights several impacts:

• Lower relationship satisfaction: Partners who feel phubbed report lower levels of happiness in their relationships. The lack of undivided attention signals a lack of respect.
• Increased conflict: The feeling of being ignored often leads to arguments, which then creates more distance. This is often the catalyst for the "pursuer-distancer" dynamic.
• Mental health effects: Being on the receiving end of phone snubbing is linked to higher rates of depression and anxiety. A study in Taylor & Francis Online (2024) suggests that while people recover quickly from a single instance of phubbing, repeated behavior causes increasingly negative emotions and questions of self-worth.

How to stop phubbing and reconnect

Breaking the cycle of phubbing requires conscious effort from both partners. It’s about creating new norms that value presence over connectivity. This is a therapeutic process of retraining the brain to value the "slow dopamine" of connection over the "fast dopamine" of the screen.

Strategies for restoring connection:

• Create phone-free zones: Decide on areas, like the bedroom or the dinner table, where phones are not allowed. This removes the temptation and creates a sanctuary for intimacy.
• Name the behavior gently: Instead of accusing, use "I" statements. Say, "I feel missed when you check your phone while I'm telling you about my day." This focuses on the emotional impact rather than the action itself.
• Turn off non-essential notifications: Minimize the pings that demand immediate attention. This helps break the Pavlovian response to check the device.
• Practice "eye contact first": Make it a habit to look your partner in the eyes before responding. This ensures you’re fully engaged and validates their presence.
• Schedule tech breaks: Agree on times where you both put devices away to do an activity together, like a walk or a board game. This is a form of coregulation that helps both nervous systems relax together.

We live in an era where the entire world is fighting for our attention. It’s easy to drift into the digital space because it offers constant dopamine and novelty. Yet, the most profound connections happen in the quiet, uncurated moments between two people. Choosing to look up, to listen, and to be fully present is a radical act of love. It tells the person across from you that they are enough, right here and right now.

Frequently asked questions about phubbing

What causes a person to phub? 

Phubbing is rarely a malicious act designed to hurt a partner. Instead, it’s typically driven by smartphone addiction, a lack of impulse control, or FOMO (fear of missing out). Research indicates that people with high levels of social anxiety or depression may use their phones as a safety blanket to avoid awkward social interactions, even with loved ones. It can be a coping mechanism for stress, providing a temporary mental escape.

How does phubbing affect mental health? 

Being phubbed threatens four fundamental human needs: belonging, self-esteem, meaningful existence, and control. A 2024 study suggests that victims of phubbing experience higher rates of depression and lower life satisfaction. The rejection felt during a phubbing incident mimics physical pain in the brain, leading to increased cortisol (stress) levels and anxiety about the stability of the relationship.

Can a relationship survive chronic phubbing? 

Yes, a relationship can recover if both partners are willing to establish new boundaries and understand the underlying reasons for the behavior. Success depends on shifting from "mindless scrolling" to "mindful presence." Couples who implement "tech-free zones" and openly discuss their digital boundaries often report higher relationship satisfaction and improved communication skills