Setting Boundaries: Tips for Handling Family Member Disrespect

Mutual respect is a key part of healthy relationships, and family relationships are no exception. While it’s normal for families to have occasional disagreements, maintaining that mutual respect is key — even if you don’t see eye to eye.

But things can get complicated when a family member disrespects you and your boundaries. 

Knowing how to deal with family members that disrespect you isn’t always easy. You might be nervous about confrontation or unsure how to handle the situation without making things worse. These are completely understandable feelings — family relationships can be complex. 

Setting boundaries with someone who disrespects you may seem intimidating, but it’s important for the sake of your well-being. Below, we’ll explore family’s impact on mental health, how to know you’re being disrespected, and how to handle these behaviors effectively.

The impact of family relationships on mental health 

Family relationships play a significant role in development and have a major impact on mental and emotional health. 

Healthy family dynamics filled with respect and trust often lead to better mental health outcomes. On the other hand, complicated dynamics with negative interactions — like a disrespectful family member who gives you the cold shoulder — may have the opposite effect. 

These early interactions lay the foundation for how you may handle stressors as an adult. Below, we’ll take a closer look at the connection between family relationships and mental health.

Emotional safety and security 

When you feel like you can open up to loved ones, that’s an example of emotional safety. This kind of safety means you feel secure and comfortable being vulnerable around your family. Emotional safety within families builds a strong sense of trust and helps you experience personal growth. 

Being treated with disrespect can undermine this safety. If it happens often enough, you may end up feeling like you’re in an unstable environment.

Formation of core beliefs and self-identity 

Family dynamics help shape how you see yourself (also known as your self-identity) and the world in general. Disrespectful interactions may distort your worldviews and self-identity. For example, the world might seem more threatening rather than safe, or you may develop low self-esteem. 

Stress, coping mechanisms, and behavior patterns 

How you deal with stress may be linked to how your family treats you. A study in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry finds that family dysfunction, including disrespect, is associated with a higher risk of chronic stress.

This kind of stress may push people to adopt maladaptive coping mechanisms, like overeating, substance abuse, or self-isolation. 

Social skills and interpersonal relationships 

Family interactions form the blueprint for social interactions with friends, coworkers, and others in your life. This starts when you’re young, but affects your future social interactions. 

When you experience disrespect in family settings regularly, it may be harder to build stable, healthy connections with people outside your family. For example, if you struggle to trust your own family members you may also struggle to trust others — which may affect your ability to maintain future relationships. 

Examples and signs of disrespect in the family 

Because family dynamics can be complex, it may not always be easy to tell when and how you’re being disrespected. In the sections below, we’ll examine some of the common ways disrespect appears in families — however, it’s important to note that these behaviors may also be signs of something else. 

Passive-aggressive behavior 

Your in-law gives you a backhanded compliment about your appearance at family gatherings. Your sibling tends to show up late when you ask for a ride. These are examples of passive aggression: expressing anger, resentment, or other maladaptive feelings in an indirect way. 

Passive aggressiveness creates a wall between you and those family members, making communication and mutual understanding difficult. 

Verbal abuse 

Many families have the occasional heated argument — but a heated argument is very different from verbal abuse. Verbal abuse occurs when someone demeans or humiliates you, frequently calls you names, or threatens you. 

This disrespectful behavior may have long-term impacts on your physical and emotional well-being and is linked to higher risks of chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

Control and manipulation

A family member often teases you, then tells you you’re being too sensitive. A loved one always makes you feel guilty for spending time with others. These are examples of family members using control or manipulation. 

This kind of disrespect can lead to elevated stress levels and anxiety. In an attempt to avoid those stressors, you might engage in people-pleasing behaviors or have a hard time making decisions.

Withholding affection or support 

Adaptive family dynamics include emotional support and affection. These interactions help you feel loved, secure, and safe — while also teaching you how to treat and trust others. A family member giving you the silent treatment when you disagree with them is an example of withholding affection or support. 

When a loved one treats you this way, you may end up feeling abandoned or unworthy. You might find it difficult to trust others or get close to them, fearing they’ll withdraw their affection, too. Similarly, you may become anxious about losing someone you care about. 

Refusal to listen or acknowledge 

Being heard or validated when talking about fears, concerns, or other feelings is an important part of respect within families. A loved one who consistently shrugs off your concerns or refuses to listen to you at all may make you feel invisible or inferior. You might feel like your feelings aren’t worth sharing or that there’s no point in talking about them.

Understanding the potential root causes of disrespectful behavior 

As touched on earlier, disrespectful behavior can stem from a number of root causes — and not all of them are malicious. Disrespect can be complex and nuanced. While knowing this may not excuse the behavior, it helps to approach it with empathy and understanding. 

Let’s take a closer look at a few of the most common causes of disrespectful behavior in family settings.

Unresolved family issues 

Unresolved conflicts or past traumas, such as abuse, may manifest as disrespectful behavior. For example, a family member might talk down to a loved one who teased or mistreated them in the past due to ongoing feelings of resentment and anger.

Family dynamics history 

Disrespect can be handed down from generation to generation as a learned behavior. These generational patterns of behavior may occur due to trauma or other conflicts that older generations experienced and instilled in their children. 

Mental health concerns 

Certain mental health conditions may result in behaviors that seem outwardly disrespectful but aren’t truly meant to be harmful. For example, a family member might not acknowledge you when you try to talk to them. 

These might not be intentionally disrespectful behaviors, but they may feel that way to you in the moment. Approach these situations with empathy and understanding: Helping the person find appropriate treatment and support may stop or reduce these behaviors. 

Societal norms or cultural influences 

Societal or cultural norms might inadvertently promote what seems like disrespectful behavior within families. For example, your family members might talk over each other or interrupt each other constantly. You might perceive this as disrespect when it actually isn’t. 

Lack of boundaries, empathy, or understanding 

Boundaries within families help encourage respect. When these boundaries are lacking, this may result in unintentional trespasses and disrespect. For example, a family member with few or no boundaries might think it’s okay to critique your cooking during a holiday dinner but may not understand why that may be hurtful to you.

Fear and insecurity 

In some cases, people may act disrespectfully out of defensiveness. They might have personal fears or insecurities that cause them to lash out, such as a fear of failure or self-consciousness. For example, someone with self-image problems might make a hurtful comment about what you’re wearing or how you look.

Poor communication skills 

The way families communicate may sometimes lead to misunderstandings that are perceived as disrespectful behavior. For example, a relative seems to make light of your concerns. It may feel like they’re being disrespectful, but they might just have poor communication skills and may not have a more appropriate response.

Effective strategies for handling disrespect from family members 

Disrespect doesn’t have to put a damper on family interactions. In the following sections, we’ll cover several strategies for dealing with this behavior productively. Note that although these are effective, it’s best to use a personalized approach that fits your family’s unique dynamics. 

Talk about it 

The most direct way to handle disrespect from family members is to discuss it. Try these tips for getting constructive conversations about perceived disrespect and feelings started:

• Choose a time and setting when everyone involved is in a receptive mood and ready to talk.
• Use “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when…” to express your feelings, but be careful not to blame or accuse.
• Use active listening, which involves listening in order to understand rather than respond.

Set clear boundaries 

Set healthy boundaries to build respectful relationships and help preserve mental health. For example, your boundary might be refusing to tolerate personal attacks or name-calling. Once you set boundaries, be consistent with them. Plan on revisiting them from time to time and adjusting them as needed.

Communicate your boundaries using clear statements rather than vague ones that might confuse them. “Please don’t call me that name — it makes me uncomfortable.” Speak calmly. Let your family know that boundaries benefit everyone because they help reduce misunderstandings and build trust and respect.

Stay calm and seek understanding 

Emotions may run high during family conflicts, but it’s important to regulate them in these situations. To stay calm and find some peace of mind, try deep breathing exercises or mindfulness. Take a short break from heated discussions for some self-care. 

Use empathy to try and understand why the person behaves this way. Seeing these situations from their perspective can encourage you to work with them in resolving these conflicts. Above all else, approach these situations with the mindset of finding a resolution, not winning an argument. 

Model respectful behavior 

Setting a good example is a powerful way to be the change you wish to see in your family. What you say and how you say it matters, but modeling respectful behavior involves more than verbal interactions. This also includes your reactions, listening habits, and non-verbal cues, like your facial expressions.

Reflecting on your own behaviors can help you see where you might need to improve, make adjustments, or work on personal growth. You may find that modeling respect in your family has a ripple effect, encouraging others to do the same. 

Seek external support from a therapist 

Family therapy offers an effective way to work through family issues. This type of therapy may help improve communication, family dynamics, and understanding. 

Family therapists provide a neutral third-party perspective that promotes healing. These therapists can pinpoint underlying issues or behavioral patterns that you and your family might not be aware of — or know how to address productively on your own.

Some family members might be reluctant to seek therapy. They might think it means they’re weak or something is wrong with them. They might not think therapy will help. However, family therapy can be a great way to bring families closer and foster stronger family dynamics. 

Different therapeutic approaches address different family situations, such as:

• Family systems therapy: Focuses on relationship strengths to handle challenges
• Functional family therapy: For short-term support
• Narrative family therapy: Explores issues via storytelling approaches
• Supportive family therapy: Creates a safe place for families to talk about their feelings

Let SonderMind help your family heal starting today 

Dealing with disrespect in your family can be challenging. Families are complicated, and while there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, the methods discussed above are a great starting point to help you maneuver tough family interactions. 

Therapy can be an excellent tool for learning to navigate potential disrespect within your family. With SonderMind, you can connect with a therapist for family or individual counseling, helping lay the foundation for a more adaptive family dynamic. 

Find the right therapist quickly and easily through SonderMind today.