What If I Don't Like My Therapist?

You walked into the waiting room with a fragile kind of hope. You did the research, navigated the insurance labyrinth, and finally sat down to unpack the weight you’ve been carrying. You were ready to do the work. 

But now, after a few sessions, something feels…off. Instead of relief, you feel a distinct knot of dread before every appointment. The disappointment feels like a punch to the gut, quickly followed by a wave of guilt. A quiet, anxious voice whispers: Is therapy actually going to work for me? Is this my fault?

The short answer is: It is not your fault, and your feelings are valid.

If you don’t like your therapist, the most effective course of action is to determine if the issue is a growth challenge and a form of productive discomfort or a therapeutic mismatch like a relational incompatibility. If it is a mismatch, it’s a good idea to start thinking about finding a new provider. 

Research consistently demonstrates that the therapeutic alliance—the bond of trust and mutual respect between client and practitioner—is one of the most significant predictors of successful treatment outcomes, often outweighing the specific therapeutic techniques.

Is it just growth discomfort or a bad fit?

No relationship is flawless, and the therapeutic bond is no exception. Inevitable breakdowns in connection—known technically as ruptures—are paradoxically some of the most pivotal moments in treatment. Rather than signaling failure, these moments provide a unique opportunity for growth.

Ruptures typically manifest in one of two ways. The first is withdrawal, where a client shuts down, over-complies, or misses sessions. The second is confrontation, where a client expresses anger or directly criticizes the therapist.

While uncomfortable, these moments are not failures. In fact, research indicates that the very act of fixing these breaks is often more healing than the original bond itself. As noted in a major review of alliance research:

"Resolving alliance ruptures serves not only as a means of re-establishing a collaborative therapeutic alliance, but also as a mechanism of change in itself." When a client voices hurt or disagreement and the therapist responds with non-defensive accountability rather than evasion, the dynamic shifts. 

“Through repeated cycles of rupture and repair in session—maybe you’re angry they’re going on vacation, hurt by something they said, or frustrated with the pace of progress—you develop both the emotional tolerance and practical skills for navigating conflict,” says licensed trauma therapist Anne Wright.

The client learns that conflict does not lead to abandonment. They experience a relationship where their feelings matter, and mistakes can be fixed—building a resilience that eventually transfers to their relationships outside of therapy.

Red flags and when to fire your therapist

If you are trying to decide whether to leave, look for these specific indicators. These go beyond growing pains and indicate a structural issues in the therapeutic relationship that rarely resolve on their own.

• You do not feel heard or understood: You find yourself constantly re-explaining your basic narrative. The therapist consistently misinterprets your words or forgets key details from previous sessions. If your lived experience is not being validated, the foundation of therapy is missing.
• The absence of "unconditional positive regard": Therapy must be a non-judgmental space. If you detect subtle eye rolls, dismissive comments, or a condescending tone, this is a major red flag. If you feel shamed or criticized rather than supported, the psychological safety required for vulnerability is gone.
• Modality and style mismatch: Sometimes the therapist is competent, but their methodology is wrong for you.
  • Example: You need a directive approach with homework and structure (CBT/DBT), but the therapist utilizes a passive, listening-focused Psychodynamic approach.
  • Example: You need trauma-informed care (EMDR or Somatic Experiencing), but the therapist is using basic talk therapy that leaves you re-traumatized.
• Lack of cultural competence: Your therapist does not need to share your exact background, but they must be able to understand your cultural context. If you have to spend your session educating them on why your identity impacts your mental health, or if they minimize your cultural experiences, they are not the right provider for you.
• Stagnation: Progress is rarely linear, but it should be noticeable. If you have been attending consistently for several months (3 to 6 months) and feel stuck in the exact same emotional rut with no forward momentum or new insights, it is time to reassess the treatment plan.
• Ethical and professional violations: These are immediate grounds for termination. This includes chronic lateness, checking phones during sessions, oversharing personal details about their own life that do not benefit you, or breaching confidentiality.

What to do if you don’t like your therapist

“You’re going to be in a vulnerable position and sharing things with this person,” Traci Williams, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, shared in an interview with Time Magazine. “The nature of the relationship requires you to feel safe and secure.” 

Once you've determined that the issue isn't just discomfort but a genuine lack of connection, it's time to take action. This can feel intimidating, but remember that your wellbeing is the top priority. At the end of the day, only you know what feels right.

Talk to your therapist directly (if you feel safe to do so)

You can say something like, "I've been feeling like we're not quite on the same page," or "I'm not sure this is the right fit for me." A good therapist will not be offended. They will likely want to explore your concerns and, if a change is needed, will often be able to provide referrals to other professionals who might be a better match. This conversation can be a valuable therapeutic experience in itself, as it's an opportunity to practice direct and assertive communication in a safe setting.

Give it a few more sessions

If you're on the fence and the issues are minor, consider giving it one or two more sessions. Sometimes it takes time to build trust and get into a rhythm. However, if the concerns are significant (like feeling judged or disrespected), don't wait. You’re not required to put yourself through a negative experience just to be polite.

Break up with your therapist and find a new one

You’re not obligated to continue with a therapist you don't like. You can end the relationship via email, a phone call, or during a final in-person session. You don't need to provide a detailed explanation if you don't want to. A simple "Thank you for your time, but I've decided to pursue a different path" is perfectly acceptable—and when you do, SonderMind can help ensure that new path leads to the right connection.

Frequently asked questions (FAQ)

Is it normal to not like your therapist? 

At first, it’s normal not to click with your therapist right away. The therapeutic relationship is a human relationship, and like any other (friendship, dating, collegial), chemistry and communication styles do not always align. However, if the dislike persists, it’s time to find a new therapist or psychiatrist.

What should I say to break up with a therapist? 

You can keep it brief and professional, in person or via email. A simple script is: "Thank you for your help over the last few sessions. I’ve decided to take a different direction with my treatment and won’t be scheduling future appointments." You are not required to give a reason unless you want to.

Is it rude to 'ghost' a therapist? 

While it is not recommended to "ghost" (disappear without notice) because it leaves the therapist unsure if you are safe, you are not legally obligated to formally resign. However, sending a one-sentence email is a better practice as it allows the provider to close your file and offer that slot to another patient.

Can I switch therapists if I go to the same practice? 

Yes, most group practices understand that "fit" is subjective. You can contact the practice manager or intake coordinator and say, "I appreciate [Current Therapist]'s time, but I think I would work better with someone who has a different style. Is there another provider in the practice you would recommend?"

How long should I give a new therapist before quitting? 

The general recommendation is three sessions. The first session is usually administrative (intake), the second is history-taking, and the third is where real work begins. If you still feel uncomfortable, misunderstood, or unsafe by the end of the third session, it is acceptable to look for someone else.