How You Can Support Your Trans Friends As An Ally

Friendship and community are what ground my life. They make whatever is going on in the wider world feel manageable. And at the core of so many of these communities (whether it’s obvious or not) is allyship. It means supporting, advocating, amplifying, and being there for each other, especially those who are marginalised.

Society focuses a lot on purpose, on internal growth, on selfhood. But what actually makes me feel hopeful (and hope is the most wonderful feeling there is) is doing my best for the people in my life. It’s about understanding, learning, and holding the needs of others alongside my own.

With everything happening globally right now, centring friendship and community feels more vital than ever. Like many of us, my politics are rooted in a desire for full humanity for everyone — and for that to be possible, allyship has to be a core part of how we live.

One group whose humanity is being systematically stripped away right now is trans people. And while protest and policy matter deeply, sometimes the most meaningful thing you can do is offer your trans friend full, unwavering support. Making sure someone feels seen, valued, and not alone can make all the difference.

If you want to show up as an ally for a trans person in your life, keep reading…

Why trans allyship is vital, and lifesaving 

Sadly, right now the world is increasingly hostile towards trans people. In the US, President Donald Trump issued an executive order restricting access to gender-affirming medical care for trans people under 19, cutting off treatment across the country. He also signed another order requiring all U.S. government identity documents to reflect a person’s sex assigned at birth.

In the UK, things aren’t any better. The Supreme Court recently ruled that the legal definition of a woman is based on biological sex, another rollback of trans rights. These decisions don’t just sit in courtrooms or government buildings. They legitimise the everyday violence, discrimination, and social alienation that trans people are already facing. 

According to The Williams Institute, transgender people experience violent victimizations at a rate of 86.2 per 1,000 people, compared to 21.7 for cisgender people. This is an emergency. Trans people are being prosecuted simply for existing. Their ability to live safe, joyful, dignified lives is being eroded every single day.

That’s why being an ally isn’t a quiet, optional role. It’s a responsibility. And it goes beyond turning up to a party during Pride month or having pronouns in your bio. Real allyship, intentional, ongoing, and unwavering, is a practice. It’s a muscle, not a label. 

Whether your trans friend is navigating dysphoria, joy, persecution, gender-affirming care, or just their day-to-day life, they deserve your full, active support. Here’s how to show up for them, from one cisgender ally to another:

Stay curious and keep an open mind

If a trans friend opens up to you, whether about their identity, their joy, or their exhaustion, your job is to listen. That’s it. Don’t rush to fix things or offer advice they didn’t ask for. Falling into problem-solving mode can make someone feel like a burden rather than a friend. Just be there. And if they don’t feel like talking? Respect that too.

As novelist Alice Walker once said, “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.”

Respect privacy

Trans people, like anyone else, deserve to have their identities respected, not treated as conversation starters or points of curiosity. While questions can come from a place of interest or support, it’s important to remember that someone’s transition or body is deeply personal, and it’s up to them if, when, and how they choose to share those details.

If you’re unsure about something or want to learn more, that’s okay. Let your friend lead the conversation, and seek out resources that don’t place the burden of education on them. Respect and trust go a long way, and listening with care matters more than having the right questions.

As The Trevor Project makes clear: “Under no circumstances should you ask unprompted questions about a transgender or nonbinary person’s body, genitals, medical history, plans for medical procedures, their previous name, or invasive details about their life prior to transition.”

If someone chooses to share something with you, that’s a sign of trust. Don’t betray it.

Take time to educate yourself 

Your trans friends are not Google. If you’re unsure what “top surgery” is or want to understand how HRT works, the best thing to do is look it up. Asking your trans friend these questions may feel like the easiest option, but it could lead to them feeling that they are only here to feed your curiosity.

If you want to learn about trans issues, identity, or the history of trans rights, there information is out there, with lots of resources and books created by brilliant trans thinkers, writers, and advocates. Educating yourself is a brilliant form of allyship. 

As a starting point, the following books (novels and non-fiction) are insightful reads:

• The Transgender Issue by Shon Faye
• Who's Afraid of Gender? by Judith Butler
• Transgender History by Susan Stryker
• Dysphoria Mundi by Paul B. Preciado
• Calling My Deadname Home: The Trans Bear Diaries by Avi Ben-Zeev
• Marsha - The Joy and Defiance of Marsha P. Johnson by Tourmaline
• A Short History of Trans Misogyny by Jules Gill-Peterson
• Disappoint Me by Nicola Dinan
• Helping Your Transgender Teen - A Guide For Parents by Irwin Krieger
• What It Feels Like for a Girl by Paris Lees

No one is expecting you to know everything about trans identity or history, and it’s best to hold your hands up when you don’t know, and then spend some time afterwards learning. 

GLAAD (The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) puts it perfectly: “Don’t be afraid to admit when you don’t know something. It’s better to admit that than to make assumptions or say something hurtful. Being an ally is a sustained and persistent pattern of action, not a fixed state.” 

You might mess up sometimes. That’s not the issue. The issue is whether you do the work to fix it.

Step up when it matters

If you see a trans person being abused in public or online, step in. It’s all well and good calling yourself an ally, but if you are frozen and quiet in the moments they need you the most, it means very little. 

It might be a bit intimidating to be witnessing a potentially harmful situation where you want to intervene, but you can always fall back on the 3 Ds of active bystandership–the three Ds are:

• Direct: Stepping in and interrupting the situation by pointing out the problem or offering alternatives.
• Distract: Interrupting the situation by redirecting attention or changing the subject.
• Delegate: Getting others involved to help intervene or address the situation, such as attracting allies or seeking help from authorities.

As activist and model Munroe Bergdorf told Rolling Stone: “When I first began my transition, I was attacked in public and nobody did anything. It was the fact that nobody did anything that hurt more than the attack itself... If someone attacks somebody and other people step in, that just feels so much more hopeful.”

Use the right name and pronouns. Always.

This really matters. If someone shares their name and pronouns with you, use them – even when they’re not around, even if it feels unfamiliar. If you make a mistake, just correct yourself and move on without making it a big deal. What helps most is focusing on how you can adapt and be supportive, rather than centering your own discomfort.

Saying something like “It’s just going to take me time to get used to it” might feel honest, but it can shift the emotional weight onto the person who’s already being vulnerable. 

A better approach? Quiet, consistent effort. You don’t need to be perfect, just willing. The goal isn’t praise for trying, it’s getting it right. And showing someone you respect who they are is one of the most powerful things you can do.

Don’t just “accept” them. Affirm them.

There’s a difference between tolerating someone and celebrating them. Trans people are often expected to feel grateful just for being “accepted” by the people around them. 

That’s not allyship. That’s the bare minimum. 

Affirming someone means letting them know they’re seen, not as an exception or a novelty, but as someone with full agency and value. And remember: your support shouldn’t be limited to moments of crisis. Be there for the joy, too.

Speak up against transphobia with confidence

Yes, even when it’s awkward. Even when it’s your uncle or your coworker. The never-ending reduction of trans lives to “debate topics” must be challenged by us all. 

GLAAD explains that this includes LGB spaces, too: “Someone may think that because they’re gay, it’s okay to tell jokes about transgender people. It’s important to challenge anti-transgender remarks or jokes no matter who says them.”

Let them lead the conversation

If your friend shares a new name or pronouns with you, try to respond with warmth and support, not surprise or self-focus. The most supportive thing you can do is keep the focus on affirming them, rather than needing reassurance yourself.

Being an ally isn’t only about having the right words on social media or following a few trans creators, it’s about showing up consistently in real life. 

True allyship is ongoing. It means listening, learning, taking action even when no one’s watching, and being open to feedback without getting stuck in guilt. You don’t have to be perfect, just committed. Trans people don’t need performance. They need presence. If you say you’re an ally, let your actions reflect that.