What Is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment, and How Does It Affect You?

Whether you know it or not, you have an attachment style. Established during our earliest years with our primary caregivers—usually our birth mothers—attachment styles set the basis for all of our relationships. By understanding our attachment styles, we can gain valuable insights into our behaviors, emotional responses, and how we connect with and perceive others (or rather, why we might struggle to connect with others).

At its core, attachment theory explains how we form emotional bonds and how these bonds may manifest in our relationships—especially romantic relationships—throughout our lives. According to Dr. D.J. Siegel M.D., author and professor of psychiatry at UCLA, “...the emotional quality of our earliest attachment experience is perhaps the single most important influence on human development.”

While attachment styles are not diagnosable conditions, attachment theory is rooted in solid research. Let’s unpack anxious-avoidant attachment style: its meaning, how it develops, and the significant ways it can influence our personal connections.

 

What is attachment theory?

Ever wonder why you keep falling into the same relationship patterns, no matter how hard you try to change? The answer likely lies in a blueprint for connection established in your earliest years. This concept is the core of attachment theory, primarily developed by psychologist John Bowlby in collaboration with Mary Ainsworth. Attachment theory posits that our earliest bonds with primary caregivers create an internal working model of relationships. 

John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, initially developed his ideas by observing the profound distress of infants who had been separated from their parents during World War II. He theorized that this powerful bond was an evolutionary survival mechanism, not merely a response to the need for food. 

His colleague, American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth, was instrumental in providing the empirical evidence for his concepts. Her groundbreaking "Strange Situation" study systematically observed how infants responded to brief separations and reunions with their caregivers. It was through this research that Ainsworth identified the distinct attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, (and later) disorganized—that form the basis of the theory's modern application.

This isn't just sentimental fluff. It's a biologically driven behavioral system designed to ensure survival. A child needs a secure base from which to explore the world and a safe haven to return to in times of distress. The consistency and responsiveness of this caregiver interaction are paramount.

When a caregiver is attuned, responsive, and able to meet the child’s baseline needs for comfort and security (without totally hindering the infants development by perfectly and perpetually anticipating every need), a secure attachment style often results. 

Individuals with secure attachment tend to be more confident, trusting, and comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They see relationships as a source of support, not a battleground for unmet needs.

The four main attachment styles

The bedrock of our lifelong approach to relationships is formed in our earliest days. When interactions with a primary caregiver are consistently responsive and nurturing, a secure attachment often blossoms. However, if these crucial early exchanges are marked by inconsistency, neglect, or overwhelming responses, different attachment patterns tend to develop. Mary Ainsworth's groundbreaking "Strange Situation" studies were pivotal in observing these distinctions. She meticulously documented how infants responded to separations and reunions with their caregivers, revealing distinct attachment styles in action:

• Anxious: Infants with caregivers who were inconsistently available often became highly distressed upon separation. Upon reunion, they were difficult to soothe, sometimes displaying anger alongside a desire for comfort, reflecting their uncertainty about their caregiver's reliability. This pattern can foster an adult preoccupation with relationship security and a fear of abandonment.
• Avoidant: These infants typically showed little distress when their caregiver departed and actively avoided or ignored them upon return. It appeared as though they had learned to suppress their outward need for connection, perhaps as a defense against anticipated unavailability or an expression of resentment.
• Disorganized: Characterized by a lack of coherent strategy, these infants exhibited contradictory, erratic, or disoriented behaviors during separations and reunions. They might freeze, seem fearful of the caregiver, or vacillate between seeking and resisting comfort, often reflecting experiences with caregivers who were themselves frightening or unpredictable.
• Secure: These infants, while visibly upset by a caregiver's departure, actively sought comfort upon their return and were readily soothed, demonstrating confidence in their caregiver's responsiveness and availability.

What is anxious-avoidant attachment? 

Anxious-avoidant attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment, is a complex attachment style defined by a deep internal conflict. Individuals with this pattern simultaneously crave the emotional closeness and intimacy desired by the anxious style, yet are terrified by the vulnerability that comes with it, a hallmark of the avoidant style. 

This paradox often stems from early experiences with a caregiver who was a source of both comfort and fear, teaching the child that the person they seek for safety is also a source of distress. In adulthood, this can manifest as a confusing push-pull dynamic within one person, who may desperately want a relationship but instinctively, often subconsciously, sabotages it as it becomes more intimate, caught between a profound fear of being alone and an equally powerful fear of getting hurt.

Here are some common experiences for those with an anxious-avoidant (fearful-avoidant) attachment style:

• Experiencing intense emotional reactions that can feel overwhelming and out of control
• Fearing abandonment, but also fearing being "trapped" in a relationship
• Longing for connection but often feeling safer alone, despite loneliness
• Feeling overwhelmed when relationships become too close or intimate
• Sabotaging relationships when things start to get serious or feel good
• Experiencing a lot of anxiety and uncertainty in relationships
• Difficulty trusting others, even when they desire connection
• Doubting their own worthiness of love and consistent care
• A history of turbulent or unstable relationships

How does anxious-avoidant attachment impact romantic relationships?

An anxious-avoidant person in a relationship can often find themselves caught in an intense internal conflict, holding a deep desire for intimacy that is shadowed by a significant fear of it. This may lead them to shift between wanting to pull their partner closer for security and feeling a strong impulse to create distance to avoid potential pain. 

This push-pull dynamic can feel like self-sabotage, as their protective behaviors may undermine the very connection they genuinely crave. As a result, the relationship can become a confusing space where closeness feels threatening, yet distance brings a profound sense of loneliness.

The "push-pull" cycle

In a relationship, the anxious-avoidant style can sometimes manifest as a confusing "push-pull" cycle–a constant dance between being pushed away and pulled back into their emotional orbit.

The "pull" can feel magnetic and intense—they might shower you with affection, share their deepest secrets, and build a cathedral of future plans with you at the center. You feel seen and uniquely chosen. 

But the moment the intimacy feels too real, a deep-seated fear of being hurt or engulfed takes over. It’s like they’re slamming on the emotional brakes.

The "push" is a sudden and disorienting retreat into a fortress of silence. The vibrant conversations turn into one-word answers, and the person who couldn’t get enough of you now seems indifferent or checked out entirely. 

This cycle of building a connection only to dismantle it systematically erodes trust, making the security needed for a healthy relationship feel like an impossible destination.

And this push-pull dynamic doesn’t just affect romantic partners—the anxious-avoidant individual might also find themselves feeling confused and mistrustful of themselves and others, making it difficult to build stable, secure relationships.

This hot-and-cold pattern can leave their partners feeling bewildered and emotionally whiplashed, making it incredibly difficult to build the trust and security necessary for a stable, long-term bond.

Managing conflict in relationships with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

Conflict often reinforces negative patterns. Anxious-avoidant individuals may escalate or urgently push for immediate resolution to restore connection, fearing abandonment. 

Alternatively, anxious-avoidant individuals may resist or flee from conflict, and its common that arguments might trigger their dual fears of being abandoned and overwhelmed, causing them to either escalate or withdraw. The result can often feel like a gridlock, where issues remain unresolved and both partners feel increasingly frustrated and disconnected.

Prioritize creating emotional safety by using a soft tone and validating their feelings to show you’re on the same team. Try taking a structured pause—an agreed-upon break with a promise to return to the issue once calm. The anxious-avoidant must learn to ask for this space, and their partner must respect it as a tool for de-escalation, not a rejection. This approach breaks the destructive push-pull cycle and allows for healthier resolution.

Can you change your attachment style?

The short answer is yes—if you’re willing to put in the work. Attachment styles are not set in stone. They’re more of a guide for our brain to anticipate how relationships work. Like any model, it can be updated with new information and experiences via neuroplasticity.

A great way to make lasting neuroplastic changes is by engaging in therapy. It’s a safe space where you can strengthen self-awareness and cultivate intentional relationship-building practices while learning to address thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors contributing to unhelpful attachment styles.

SonderMind offers a convenient way to connect with mental health professionals who can provide this guidance. Learn more about our personalized approach and how it helps you find a therapist who can help you achieve your unique therapeutic goals.